2.19.2018

Underland Radio

Me- at 8:15PM
"Alright, it's time to start setting up for this broadcast of Underland Radio."

"I think Tag is poofing between dimensions. I don't fucking know. Gallows is apparently storming the gates of Sanctuary as we speak. Advy is stalking me FROM THE SAME HOUSE AS ME. David is.. somewhere."

"Oh, and Apollo won't stop texting me."

"So.. it might be a few minutes, but I'm getting ready."

"If we have anybody listening that wants to comment in, ask questions, call, whatever. Let me know. We can make it happen. It's time for a status report on Overland and Underland."

"Testing, testing, 1 2 3. Anybody hear me out there?'

"Okay, for those of you just getting into the swing of things, my name is Dia. Jack, for those that know me well. A long time ago, I was an abused kid, that started seeing the Fears when I was 12."

"Lots of shit happened. Lots and lots and lots of bad shit. The day we first started Running was the first day our timelines started fracturing. That moment we left home, I started to fall through the cracks between the timelines, or what we like to refer to as 'verses.'"

"What this means in layman's terms was that I was exposed to alternate versions of myself, and forced to figure out which timeline I was in every time I woke up. Was not pleasant."

"Every time one of my alternate selves died, normally of suicide, their memories and personality would come and roost in my head. By the time I was 20, I was certifiably insane."

"I started working for the Board, or The Bureacracy, or Corporate, basically the big bad evil guys, when I was a teenager. I thought it was a fair enough trade at the time, sniff out some information on some kids and get the Fears to stop haunting me constantly. What I didn't bargain on was my getting attached the people I was attempting to narc on."

"I was what was called a Gatherer, a techy glorified secretary for the Board, that made fake identities for themselves in order to hunt down information on Runners, the ones the Fears chased."

"I was trained in everything you could think of, from psychology, to computer basics, to how to survive on my own, to how to disguise my appearance and voice, to.. shit. It goes on and on."

"In what I refer to as the happiest timeline, the version of events that went the happiest, the Dia that the world first knew, her name was Lilith. Shining copper red hair, a smile that went on for miles, and the genuine belief that she could save anyone if she tried hard enough."
"Dia was a modified version of our initials, a letter from each of our legal names, put together into a handle. It isn't a name to itself, it's a code name. And I never let anyone know, specifically, before now."

"As I said, my name is Jack. I am one of the 'Dias.' In truth, I am the original. I am the one whose mind couldn't handle everything that was happening, and subconsciously tried to escape what was happening by tapping into the multiverse."

"The other Dias all chose different paths, with different looks, identities, you name it. As different as could be. All united under the desire to make he world better. Well, we failed. I think."

"Once we started betraying the Board by feeding halfhearted information, obscuring details, or staging reports to allow the Runners we reported on to disappear, shit began to hit the fan."

"The happiest timeline Dia could not handle it. She made a deal with Them to Run, to forget, as her severance package. Unfortunately, the Fears never really let go of their investments."

"She was allowed to leave, but only with one caveat: she forgot every bit of trade secrets she ever gained. To avoid the Runners getting an unfair advantage, you see. They gave her a pocket watch, spelled to only break its effects upon her most painful moment."

Anonymous caller- 8:43 PM
“Why do the Fears have a business? What does it pretend to be?”
Me: 8:43PM
"She fell in love, a couple of times. Found her dead lover's body. Lost her fucking mind, and invited one of the Fears, the Convocation, into her. She became its Avatar. Innocence corrupted, absolutely."

"It's one of their many forms. It handles the Fears presence in the world even when they aren't there. Makes the money that pays the proxies under their employ, to hunt humans for game and info."
Anonymous caller- 8:44 PM
“Do any of the Fears care or acknowledge this business at all?”
Me: 8:44 PM
"Protects their business interests. Handles lawyer shit. Anything you could ever imagine, they do. Honestly, when Wolf Ram and Hart came on Angel, I thought an upper level proxy had started leaking information."
"Yes. They use it as an extra way to cause chaos. They have openly appeared to what we deem as upper management and given them orders. Now, the authenticity of these orders is disputed, but the higher ups are not people you question. You just do."
Anonymous caller - 8:46 PM
“But these things are so foreign that they are alien to us.”
Me- at 8:46 PM
"What better way to manipulate humans, to fuck with their heads, to blend in, is to hire humans themselves to do their dirty work? They get off on corrupting humans to their side. Thus, proxies."

"There's a quote floating around somewhere about this. Something to the effect of, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing humanity he was a fairy tale."
"Now, to be clear, the original author of Be Wary, the Runner turned Proxy turned Runner again, is for all tenses and purposes dead. Her body has become the avatar for the Convocation, a really creepy Fear with a fetish for birds and heights and fucked up shit."
Anonymous caller- at 8:49 PM
“I guess I can fathom it if some proxy decides to subvert a company's interests, but I cannot picture the Plague Doctor wearing a suit and requesting people to come in for overtime.”
Me: at 8:49 PM
"The Fears don't handle the business side of things. Just communicate their interests."

Anonymous caller- at 8:49 PM

“The board of directors then.”
Me- at 8:50 PM
"I'm about to explain part of that. In essence, the Fears are almost never seen together. Think the Angels in the Bible, hell, even in Supernatural. One big, fucked up, dysfunctional family."
"They appear, fuck shit up, and go home to their home dimension. We call it Underland."e

Anonymous caller- at 8:51 PM

“So if heaven is above us, hell is beneath us, then perhaps they are to the side of us?

Me: at 8:52PM

"Basically, yes. There's a multiverse theory floating around with the physicists (sp?) that their existence runs directly parallel to our world. Like two sheets of paper stacked together."

"All the verses are like this. All you really need to know how to do to travel them is know where to 'push' as the seams between the dimensions or timelines."

"We think of their domain as Underland, a reference to the Alice in Wonderland series. We privately believe that their world is basically Purgatory."
Anonymous caller- at 8:53 PM
“Makes me wonder if the CERN collider was involved....punching holes in reality.”
Me: at 8:53 PM
"There are multiple incidents in each dimension that have spawned fractured timelines. Like a piece of glass with a fracture. It slowly grows and grows and grows until all that's left of the original is tiny pieces of shattered glass."
Tag: at 8:54 PM
“So, I’m back. What did I miss?”
“Everything where I am is on fire.”

Me-at 8:54 PM
"The Proxy mask I chose as mine, all that time ago, was a Noh mask with shattered glass shards attached t o it. A specially spelled mask to allow me to see when I needed to 'jump timelines.'"
Anonymous caller- at 8:54 PM
“So does this mean there are multiple copies of the fears or are they aside of that too?”
Me- at 8:55 PM
"They are.. incomprehensible. They are bigger than any of us. One manifestation in a world is akin to sticking a pinky toe outside a door. If the door has to shut, the main entity still survives."
"There is only one main Fear, but they can appear in multiple timelines at once without effort. That tends to cause a lot of chaos, and a lot of paperwork for my boss, Tag."

Anonymous caller- at 8:56 PM
“So… perhaps they travel a path to get from there to here.”
Tag - at 8:56 PM
“It’s kind of... a lot of paperwork. Basically I have to have an ear to the ground to report back to the Board.”
Me- at 8:57 PM
"Yes. There are two main roads between the dimensions and timelines. One they travel, and one I created by hand over the years."

"One is the Path of Black Leaves. Their path. A twisted version of the yellow brick road."

"The other is mine. The Red Road. A reference to Cherokee myths and legends surrounding shamans."
Anonymous caller - at 8:57 PM
“It seems to me that if these creatures are vulnerable anywhere, it would be the place between worlds.”
Me- at 8:58 PM
"Yes, we're getting to that, but first I have to explain a few other things."

"Unfortunately, by surviving so many timelines and bullshit incarnate, we became a target for the Fears. They started appearing to us more and more over the years. We started seeing their faces. They started appearing almost human. They became. Interested in us."

"We became acknowledged by the Fears, in a terrifying way. One of Them appeared to us, the Bleeding Tree, and offered a deal. A chance to create a neutral zone that would be a safe harbor for people of all factions. In order to take that deal, we had to make regular sacrifices to it."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:00 PM
“What sacrifices? Who did you sacrifice to get where you are?”


Me - at 9:01 PM
"We became a murderer for the first time by beginning to fool ourselves into believing that the sacrifices were for the better good. That our hands weren't bloody in vain."
"We would pick rapists, heroin dealers, kid killers, pedophiles, etc. to make sacrifices. Trying to pick the worst of the worst to alleviate our guilt for what we were doing."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:02 PM
“It sounds noble. If not dangerous.
What happened next?”
Me - at 9:02 PM
"It was a horribly dangerous life. Most of us died by the age of 21."
"We created a safe space, of course. Sanctuary. A neutral zone, protected by a do no harm spell, to allow people a safe place to rest in between the other fucked up moments of our lives."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:03 PM
“But if you did that, who did you save? Why them?”
Me- at 9:03 PM
"We had to move several times in order to avoid public scrutiny, since apparently every Dia has a bad habit of getting themselves into trouble."
Tag - at 9:04 PM
“It was a lot of paperwork to get her written off and come back. Trust me.”
Me - at 9:04 PM
"The children of the Runners and Proxies. The teenagers, too young to have a place to go. The ones so suicidal from their lives that they couldn't bare to even sleep at night."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:04 PM
“You tried to save people like you. People who had no way of protecting themselves.

Me - at 9:05 PM
"Most just needed a warm meal and a safe place to sleep. Others needed friendships, contact with the outside world to remain sane. We provided whatever they needed to get by in the world."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:05 PM
“But there are so many. How do you take care of all of them properly?
Me - at 9:05 PM
"Yeah. Every timeline of Dia had a different way of saying that. The Lost. The Rabbits. The Underlanders. The Walking Undead. The Children. There are 20 different versions."
2nd Anonymous caller- at 9:06 PM
“Sounds like a lot of names and memories to keep track of.”
Me- at 9:06 PM
"We cheated like hell. Took to sex work to pay our personal bills, started charging cheap hotel rates for those that could afford it. Stole. Bribed. Fucked. Blackmailed. Anything we could."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:07 PM
“You lived a hard life for a good purpose.”
Me - at 9:07 PM
"Sanctuary was.. a beacon. A safe place, in a world where those didn't exist anymore."
 2nd Anonymous caller- at 9:07 PM
“What about now? What’s next?”
Me - at 9:08 PM
"We used to keep pictures and basic folders on everyone from the timelines. What happened to them, what they looked like, who they loved, etc. Endless mountains of paperwork."

2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:08 PM
“You’re telling me. But, some of that was worth it.”
Me - at 9:09 PM
"I stayed off the radar for a number of years. Finally, someone found my old Gatherer notebook from the Proxy days and returned it to me. I was run ragged by my inability to sleep already."
"Shortly after that, a person I suspect to be a friend published to the world my 'Death List.'"
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:09 PM
“Who did that? A death list?”
Me - at 9:09 PM
"In an attempt to smoke me out. See if it was me."
"...I can't tell you that. Suffice to say it is a she."
Tag - at 9:10 PM
“She’s very close to us. Don’t ask again.”
Me - at 9:10 PM
"My formal Death List, across the verses. Every major death, suicide, etc. even hair colors documented, all in a pretty little list."

"Of course, we panicked. Gathered every photo of our timelines we could find. Took a live video to prove it was me, sent it to her."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:11 PM
“All in a list? That’s morbid. But if you kept track the entire time, and she saw it was you....
Then what was the next step?”
Me - at 9:11 PM
"Jury is still out if she believes me. For all I know, she might still believe it's a trick."

"I started contacting everyone I knew from the old days. In every timeline. Took every waking moment for days."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:12 PM
“You tried to find more answers.”
Me- at 9:12 PM
"Runners, Proxies, shitbags, drug dealers, informants, you name it."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:12 PM
“What did they tell you?”
Me - at 9:12 PM
"Twenty times over. Over a thousand, all told."

"You have to understand, I haven't actually slept in 5 years."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:13 PM
“Five years?”
Me - at 9:13 PM
"The deal with the Bleeding Tree bound me in a stable suspension, of the moment before death."

"My soul was stick in my body. Permanently. No matter what I went through."

"Every time one of us would die, since I was the original, they would all slingshot back into my head."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:14 PM
“You can’t die? Or rather. Your soul can’t leave your body when it does?”

“How do you even function? So many minds in one head.”
Me - at 9:14 PM
"No. My soul is tethered to my body. Across the verses. I am technically in that moment between life and death. I am a Grim Reaper of sorts. You wouldn't be far off to call me dead myself."

"When I sleep, I don't actually sleep. I drop through the timelines to the one I wish to visit the most. I never actually rest. I am always wanted in another timeline."
Tag – at 9:15 PM
“She’s not lying. You can’t really do much to her that’ll put her down for too long.”
Me - at 9:15 PM
"Imagine trying to live 20 lives for five years, no sleep, with only 3 of you left alive."

"I lose my pulse, my heartbeat, even my breathing when I sleep. Might as well be a corpse."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:16 PM
“But at rate, you can do anything right?
You’re functionally immortal.”
Me - at 9:16 PM
"No. Nowhere near. I am always juggling timelines and trying to remember where I am."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:17 PM
“That sounds incredibly inconvenient. But what happened after you talked to all of your old contacts?”
Me - at 9:17 PM
"Well, here's the thing. When They approached us a week ago, after the notebook reappeared, we realized that the site of our sacrifices to the Bleeding Tree had become, through repetition, prime real estate to the Fears."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:18 PM
“How? Why would the fears want anything to do with it?”
Me – at 9:18 PM
"So Lilith took it upon herself to go Proxy once more, and make a Great Contract with the Fears. They owned 33%, I own 33%, and (redacted) owns 33%."
"Basically, when you sacrifice to the Bleeding Tree, it rips a tiny hole in the dimension for it to come through. The site of the sacrifices becomes warped over time, that tiny little hole growing in size, until now.. it's the size of a door."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:19 PM
“It’s a gateway?
A portal to another realm?”
Me - at 9:19 PM
"Thus the name to my new blog, the Rabbit Hole. We essentially tore a hole in the timelines, and it legally belongs to us. Or, well, did."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:19 PM
“Did? What happened to it?”
Me- at 9:19 PM
"Yeah, basically. To Purgatory, to Underland, to wherever you call it."

"It is now co-owned by all three factions. It is, in effect, a true neutral zone."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:20 PM
“What happens to people who try to invade or kill anyone in there?”
Me - at 9:20 PM
"I, we, enforce a strict Code of Conduct, for all those that step foot on the property."

"Minor offenses like fighting are fined steeply, medium offenses like refusing to provide food or information that could save a life, a crowbar to your major limbs."

"Major offenses like killing, leading others into a trap, etc. are punishable by death. 12 gauge straight to the face."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:21 PM
“Sounds effective.
But what do you do with the bodies?”
Me - at 9:21 PM
"Those become the sacrifices to the Bleeding Tree. It eats their souls."

"There are many, many unmarked graves on Sanctuary grounds across the world."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:22 PM
“But doesn’t that just widen the doorway between worlds? Isn’t that dangerous?”
Me - at 9:22 PM
"At the time, yes. Now, thanks to the 'merger' as we have been calling it, the Fears have been allowed to stabilize the hole."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:23 PM
“So, anyone can go there if they’ve been allowed into sanctuary?”
Tag- at 9:23 PM
"They're playing a long game with humanity, kind of like being set up on a chessboard. They couldn't intervene with it without being given permission, that would be against their weird rules."

"No. It takes a blood link with a Dia in order to cross."
2nd Anonymous caller - at 9:24 PM
“Oh. How do you get one of those?
A long game?
What do the fears want with us?”
Me - at 9:24 PM
"How do you think dumbass? Either swallowing it, ingesting it with food, getting it by a donation, or directly given through biting during sex. That last one works the best."

"A long game. Essentially, they are very old, very bored gods. That decided to make humanity their next whipping boy for fun."



2nd Anonymous Caller - at 9:25 PM
“That sounds pretty malicious. But, how long can they keep it up?”
Me - at 9:25 PM
"In our terms? Forever."
2nd Anonymous Caller - at 9:26 PM
“Forever is a long time.”
Me - at 9:26 PM
"They are older than the world we inhabit. To them, this is just a lazy Sunday afternoon passing by."
Tag - at 9:26 PM
“And a mess with all of the paperwork and sanctions. Without any of the fine print, it’s already dangerous. Now, as a neutral zone, we can at least help.”
Me - at 9:26 PM
"A few more things we HAVE to address."
3rd Anonymous caller - at 9:26 PM
“But where do we go from here? What’s the next part of the game?
Me - at 9:27 PM
"We don't know yet. It's time for be to bring you guys up to speed. All this was pre game info."
3rd Anonymous caller - at 9:27 PM
“Oh. That’s a lot to swallow.”
Me - at 9:27 PM
"First of all, anyone with a blood link can get through the Rabbit Hole. Our blood has become a precious commodity, unfortunately. We have death threats constantly."
"Now.. stop and imagine for a moment. 20 timelines. At least 20 years each. What do you imagine the Dias did with their, our, time?"
3rd Anonymous caller - at 9:28 PM
“Tried to figure out what the next step of the plan was? Stop it?”
Me - at 9:28 PM
"I am, through the memories of the timelines that died, effectively over 520 years old."

"Well, yes, but that's not the point hon. What do normal humans do?"
3rd Anonymous caller - at 9:29 PM
“Live?”
“Just do things and try to survive?”
Me - at 9:29 PM
"C'mon, caller, I need better than that. What do humans do that is destructive, stupid, but brings them the rush of heroin and EVERYONE does it?"
3rd Anonymous caller - at 9:29 PM
“Get laid?”
Me - at 9:30 PM
"If you answer fucking, I'll take it, but there is a better reason. More valid."

"What do normal teenage and young adult people do? With other people?"
3rd Anonymous caller - at 9:30 PM
“Umm. Communicate, fuck like rabbits? Build relationships?”
Me - at 9:31 PM
"Almost there... yes, they fuck, but that's not the worst thing they do."

"What can hurt a human more than anything else, but we all do it?"
3rd Anonymous caller - at 9:31 PM
“Lie?!”
Me -  at 9:31 PM
"Sigh. Worse for their hearts, caller."

"Okay, caller, I'm done. You're an idiot. NEXT CALLER!"
4th Anonymous caller - at 9:33 PM
“Um, hi. Is it fall in love?”
Me - at 9:33 PM
"Good job, caller. You get a cookie. Just as soon as I get to Sanctuary."

"Yes, we all fall in love. Multiple times over, in a single life time."
4th Anonymous caller - at 9:34 PM
“But she remembers all of them? So you do.
Isn’t that painful?”
Me - at 9:34 PM
"Now.. imagine living through 20 timelines of falling in love. Multiple times."

"Getting married. Having kids. Living together. Co-existing."
4th Anonymous caller - at 9:35 PM
“But that’s so many timelines. But you said so many of them are dead.”

“Does that mean... you remember every single one of them?”
Me - at 9:36 PM
"I remember everything that has happened. In every timeline."


Tag - at 9:36 PM
“Yes, she remembers all of them. Every single timeline. Asshole.”

“And no matter what, it eats her up inside.”
Me - at 9:36 PM
"Every person. Every child. Every lover. Every friend. Every enemy."

"Twenty different versions of the same life, the same loves, all ending horribly differently."
Tag - at 9:36 PM
“And you don’t get to question why. Just know that whatever pain she’s felt is there everytime she closes her eyes.”
Me - at 9:37 PM
"I have mourned the death of hundreds of people. People I loved, very much."

"I look in the eyes of people like Advy, Nick, David, Owen.. and all I see is the past."

"We married each of those at least once. Some of them dying, some leaving her. Us."

"Beyond.. yesterday? No one had ever told us they wanted to stay. Besides Nick, he was lying."
Tag - at 9:39 PM
“She’s a lovely soul, but she’s giving back so much.”
Me - at 9:39 PM
"David, a person with whom I have a very complicated friendship, appeared at my door in No Man's Land. Didn't try to force me to leave. Even came back. Said he wanted to stay."
Tag - at 9:39 PM
“I helped.”
“But he came back because he wanted to.”
“I just left a trail of breadcrumbs.”

Me - at 9:41 PM
"I'm getting off track. Point is, we love a lot of people. Most of whom have killed us. It's a very confusing life, trying to figure out who is who. We get confused a lot."
Tag - at 9:41 PM
“She has a good reason to be the way She is.”
Me - at 9:42 PM
"Shut up, Tag, let's not discuss the specifics of my fucked up state of non-sanity."
4th Anonymous caller - at 9:43 PM
“So, what’s next? A giant massacre?”

Tag – at 9:44PM

“Glad you asked that, caller.”

“So the massacre as you call it, is called the culling.”

“The Culling is a large scale killing spree meant to cleanse the land.”

muffled sounds of scrapping and jostling are heard as Jack and I begin to fight, only managing to cover parts of their mics, everything they say being audible

"Tell them the fucking Truth, Tag! Don't you dare leave shit out!"

"My job is to LIE! What do you want me to do, trade secrets? You're going to get me killed!!
And we both know that’s going to end badly for both of us!”

"I don't give a fuck, this is my explanation, I'll use a hush favor if I have to."

”God damn it, you need to save those for important situations!”

"This is an important situation, Tag!"

”Fine, fuck! I’ll tell them.”





Tag- at 9:46PM

”So, like I was saying. We had to pay a price for our ability to keep sanctuary going.”
”The Culling. Is what we had to do
More shuffling is heard, then chairs being pulled out.

Jack is heard bitterly cursing and lighting a joint.

Tag- at 9:59PM

“Yeah, I’ll take over for now. Jack needs some personal time.”

“Like I as saying. The Culling was a price we paid because of our deal. We had to cleanse the ground by killing the rapists, pedophiles and murders across the territories.”

“We do that. We make it safe for everyone. And we feed the bodies to the Bleeding Tree.”

“But from there. We make a better territory, but then something went really wrong.”

Jack is heard screaming out from the other side of the room-

"TAG, GOD DAMN IT, IF YOU'RE GONNA EXPLAIN, EXPLAIN ALL OF IT!"
Tag - at 10:11 PM
“Fine, god damn, I was getting to the good part!”

“Lilith... decided to take care of things her way. She made the bloodshed go from bad to worse.”

 “And... “

“Jack, do I have to?”
Me - at 10:12 PM
"There's no point in telling the story if you aren't going to tell all of it."
Tag - at 10:13 PM
“Fine. Lilith decided to go out swinging as the Red Queen. Amassed followers.”

“And now sanctuary is under her direct control.”

“After that, we got sent here. No Man’s Land. The Convocation’s Domain. And we’re stuck here.”
“Things are going to Hell in the overworld and we can’t leave. Not for lack of trying, but because we just can’t bring ourselves to.”

“We need a reason to leave. A good one. Luckily Jack got the body. Whatever the Convocation did to her just... imitated her form.”

“So we’re stuck, but apparently people are coming to get us.”

-Loud knock at the door-

“Speak of the Devil, I think we have a guest.”

“I think we’ll have to cut it short here. Thank you listeners for tuning into Underland Radio.”

2.18.2018

When Streets of Gold Run Red

I've been trying to write a post for the better part of a week. I've tried on several ideas for how to explain how things went down, make jokes, or hell even just copy paste from Tag's red tape blog.

But every time I sit down to write, someone shows up. Or someone drags me off to get laid.

Or hell, even drugs me. More on that later.

The long and short of it is a very confusing and heartwrenching encounter happened with an old friend of mine. David Banks. The guy who kidnapped and raped me years ago, to prevent someone else from doing the same but leaving me for dead. Lesser of two evils, I suppose.

I've had Stockholm's Syndrome so many times in my life alone, not even including all the times the other timelines of myself have, that I don't trust love. I don't trust the warm and fuzzy feelings.

In my world, all it means is that you're weak to the will of another.

That you're willing to forgive more than you should, a victim to your brain's dumping ground of various feel good hormones and chemicals, endorphins running rampant in an attempt to get you to mate and breed.


Very rarely in any of my timelines does a Dia get a happily ever after.

Typically, the happier any of us become, the more excruciating the events are that follow. Tried and true.

Some of us have had children. Those are dead now, of course. Because those brought us hope.

Somewhere around the time I made the deal with the Bleeding Tree, I made the mistake of rebelling again against the Fears. Got cocky and thought that I could take them head on in "covert" ways.

I tried researching ways to kill them. All over the globe, from snake oil peddlers to renowned scientists to mages that acted like they had a stick up their collective asses. And I actually began to get somewhere.

They decided to punish me in the most fucked up ways imaginable:

They killed the living children across the timelines in one fell swoop, and removed my ability to bear children.

The Hollow Man himself came for me that year for the first time.

His shadows that I had grown so accustomed to attacked me for the first time.

They left me on the ground once they were done, reproductive internal organs literally ripped from me.

Bleeding out, ragged chunks of flesh falling as I attempted to stand.

It was then I realized They wouldn't let me die.

Let me be clear: *I*, Jack, fucked up and got all those kids killed. Ruined their mothers' lives.

So I got punished the worst.

Most people believe immortality is a blessing, something to be chased after.

Immortality is BULLSHIT if you don't have invulnerability.

It took me months to heal from the injuries, infections, and complications of my missing organs.

You know who may be the Hollow Man.. but he deliberately left pieces of me hollow as well.

I say these things to impress upon you all a very important truth:

I am a fuck up. I am not a savior. I am not the heroine. I am not the damsel in distress.

This is not the plot to some penny and dime paperback.

I am the fucking dragon at the top of the castle, fucking up everyone that comes near.

I finally established a 'castle' of sorts of my own, and Lilith fucking played "swapsies" with me.

Now I'm stuck in a recreation of our childhood home in No Man's Land, the Convocation's domain.

Well. I suppose I should say Lilith's land, since she's been its host for the last five years.

Smack dab in the fucking middle of the Fears' domain, Underland. (Yes, Alice mispronounced it).

Which all comes full circle back to my visitors. Of which I have had several.

Some, have requested I not publish the details of our interactions.

Others.. *coughAdvocatecough* get off on the publicity and attention.




I'll admit, I gave David a hard time. I was stoned and sad and trying not to break down into tears. Which, of course, translates into my acting like a rude fucking bitch, because that's all I apparently know how to do.

He showed up just as I was trying to get a radio transmission signal out, seeing if I could take advantage of the Fears' apparent manipulation of technology (which we gleefully dub 'evil cell reception.')

Turns out he wasn't the David I had known. He was the David that originally met Lilith, and fractured her mind to the point where all it took to break her completely after that was one little tap.. from Gallows.

Stupid little ol' me, I of course can't help but remember every moment of our lives together.

Did y'all know in one timeline he didn't rape me at all, just kidnapped me to talk?

Heh. We got married in that one. We were still fucked up, but we were happy.

We also didn't survive long.

So, as far as my memories are concerned, I have met with.. 3 exhusbands this week?

With varying degrees of success, failure, and absolute mindfuckery?

David and I fought. And argued. And ran circles around each other.

Me, wanting desperately for him to just apply his fizzle magic and leave, him wanting answers.

We both got what we wanted in the end.. sort of.

I have the feeling this David will never be able to help me find closure on the others.

Which, truthfully, isn't his fault. In his life and his eyes, he helped the Dias.

He doesn't know any better, and even if I could share the memories.. I don't think I would.


I eventually broke down and gave David the answers he wanted, and he surprised me.


He was the first in my timelines to actually.. offer to stay. On purpose. Without coercion.


It probably took me a full fifteen minutes of having both Tag and David explain it to me for me to realize.. David had changed designations. He offered to take up residence with me. At No Man's Land.


Of course, he wanders. The land surrounding my home, the perimeters, even Underland.


I know already the things he has seen, but maybe one day he will be willing to share his stories.


It's nice.. having someone want to be my friend without any malicious ulterior motive.


To have someone try to keep me safe for no reason other than boredom and actually caring.


It's been years, in fact. The last person that did would have to be.. Shady.


A woman of many talents and secrets that, through exceedingly strange circumstances, became my best friend. She kept me alive on many an occasions, in every timeline, even the one she killed me in.

She was the one I trusted the most. The one I loved like a sister.

In my timeline, she died and disappeared. In Lilith's, well.. Lilith pulled a very fucked up prank.

I can't blame her, though. Wanting to see Shady one more time. To prove to herself she was alive.

To watch her breathing and know.. she was real. Even when we didn't feel that way any more.


Ya know, in a fucked up way, I kinda feel like I've come full circle here, on Lilith's old blog.


She took my blog, I took hers, and here I am posting long rambly posts about my feelings.


I think Lilith infected the blog with her damn do gooder vibes, way back in the day.


Give me my angry, angsty, fucked up vibes any day. These hurt to emote, let alone process.



I have a few more events to catch you all up on for this first week of the Culling, but I'm beginning to feel well and truly tired again, so I have no idea when each post will go up. Which, in itself, is kind of strange.


Something I did, or took, or was around in the last few days gave me back my ability to sleep.


Which, unfortunately, comes with the added consequence of actually needing to do so.


I'll catch you guys in the next post. Leave a comment if you're bored. Or not.


It's hard to really care these days.

2.13.2018

Advocation



Oh look. I found a pretty little blog to play with.



Sing with me?




I think Jack is still sleeping.



This should be fun.



Let's see how long I can be here before she notices.