Opt Out

Look, I know what happens to the kiddos that keep playing with fate. The kids that keep having the bad guys storm the gate. Well, in this case, my gate's all broken. Everyone has a key, and damn it if my "castle" isn't on a fucking proxy mapquest by now. I'm just.. I'm tired of all of it. Being bitten for extending my hand (in the case of my houseguests in December), people passing out my address (everyone that's shown up at my doorstep, most notably David and Advy), and my interviewing people seemingly making no difference in all this.

I wanted to help people, so I opened up my home. I wound up being slashed, burnt, dragged through glass and fire. My town's been set on fire, my friends and family killed, and ya know.. just when I thought I had a chance at things returning to normal, some fucker with a fascination with needles wound up showing up in my bedroom. I can't win for losing.

I've been friends with the best and the worst of 'em. I've interviewed some strange people, that's for sure.. but somehow, in all of it, I managed to lose sight of the why. I let myself get caught up in the effort of it all. My work stopped helping people, and ya know, it just wound up falling flat. My pain wound up superceeding the effort I put into this thing, and apathy set in. I started looking for the next reason to care, and in a way, for the next reason to write. Hell, I remember when I thought love, hope and rainbows were possible for all of us.
Thing is, I've been through this song and dance before. Blah blah, dreams in darkness, blah blah I wound up being put through the gambit. I did it for the people I loved. Now, well, they're either dead or spitting in my face. I'm left wondering what the point is. Every proxy worth his (or her?) salt knows where I live, and for all I know they tell stories about the girl dumb enough to trust them. Same for the Runners.

....I just can't find a reason to care any more. Advy's visit took the last bit of goodwill and concern I have for all of you. Sure, I want everyone to hold hands and sing songs. Stay alive and hold their loved ones. Sad thing is, it just ain't gonna happen. When even the ones I'm helping start stabbing me in the back.. I realize it's time to be genre-savvy here, folks. Nothing's ever going to change, the way I'm doing things. I'll keep sticking my neck out for the same people that wanna chop it off. Extend a hand to have it bitten. I'm sure all of you know the feeling, but trying to help, to record has been my job since I first found out about Her. The Lady of the Strings, the one with her Jester and pretty little Noh mask. In a way, I suppose you could say it's been her strings making me dance this entire time.

I'm tired of being a joke, of being the girl everyone fucks with and decides to drop by for "a spot of tea and a side of torture." Can't you tell I've been trying to help this whole time? Of course not. Dia's the lady with the interviews and the nearly nonexistent sense of self preservation. I'm sorry, but that's over with. This.. this whole thing is over with, if I have anything to say about it. The night of the Advocate's visit, I did a lot of thinking, but mainly.. I did it while I was packing. The last straw, if you will. I want to be able to come home from work, and have someone waiting. A kiss and a warm bed, no bad dreams and maybe, just maybe not having to be afraid someone's going to be waiting with a knife or a gun.

So, I'm leaving. I've already gotten my main sentimental shit and clothes together, and I'll come back eventually to take care of the rest. Coerce my boss into giving me a glowing recommendation. In return, I'll stay the fuck away from this town and all the terrible memories that are associated with it. You may have guessed it, but I'm pulling a childish stunt. I'm running away, classic as can be. And ya know? I don't think I'll regret it.

As for this blog? Well, I'll leave it up until I can figure out what I want to do. I can't even trust coming home any more. Kinda wish I'd figured that out a while ago, really. I'll be traveling around for a while, getting some space from all this stupid shit. Wherever I settle, I plan on it being somewhere... crowded. Urban, maybe an apartment? Definitely a roommate or a two, someplace where people can hear me scream if something happens to me in the future. God, how morbid is that..? Anyway. I wish y'all good luck with it all. Really.